|"...plans to give you hope and a future"|
So, how do I really feel about Fibro? I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate what it has done to my life. I hate that it's taken my career and devastated our financial situation. I hate that it's destroyed the active mother I once was. I hate what it's done to my relationships with family and friends. Most of all, I hate the fact that sometimes it feels like the whole world goes on without me. When I'm flaring and sick, I might spend several days lying in bed, wondering if life will ever be okay again.
Everything is more difficult for me to cope with during the winter months. When it's cold, my pain is increased and I "flare" more often. Coping is especially hard when I have frequent migraines, or sleepless nights. During those times I can't seem to engage my mind on other things. It seems like all I can do when I'm so sick that I can't get out of bed is to remember the morning when everything changed. I go over it in my mind, spinning "what if's" until I am ready to burst into tears from frustration and grief.
I have built a new life, but it didn’t happen overnight. It took years along with occasional counseling and LOTS of patience (something I have very little of … or so I’m told). It took two years for me to admit that I was so sick that I would never go back to my career, at least not the one I had. I waited another year before filing for my disability. It took shedding a lot of tears. When I say a lot of tears, I mean buckets. I would be lying if I said I don't miss my old life.
I still cry on occasion. I cry because I have to get the feelings out. If I don't grieve the losses that I have experienced (and I get reminded of those losses every single day) the emotional pain will pull me down so far that I will stop fighting this disease. I have to ask, “If I quit fighting, what's left?”
Ten years ago I didn't know what was wrong. I thought I was just stressed. I didn't know what to do, I was confused and in pain. I couldn't walk without limping. Everything was so hard to do! I was at the hospital every other week with a migraine. The doctors began to think I was seeking drugs. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I was mortified. It just added to the horror of that time. My husband stayed by my side, fighting to find answers, never doubting me. I'm one of the lucky wives.
I went through a lot of testing, which led to more diagnosis. There were problems of which we were unaware. Armed with answers, the problems that were making my condition so unbearable could finally be treated.
If you are a Fibromyalgia patient, your treatment will be like your fingerprint, totally unique. It takes time to find the treatment that works for you. Don't give up, you will find it!
Think of the tears and feelings of grief like they are the contents of a box on a shelf. Some days I have to take the box off the shelf, open it up and look at what is inside. When I’m ready, I put the box back on the shelf. I call them “cleansing tears”. When the tears stop ... and they will stop ... put the box back on the shelf, get up, and LIVE!
If you need help, PLEASE, ask for it! Here is a wonderful link for the newly diagnosed from the National Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Awareness Association. They have a lot of resources for you. There are people out there that DO care and understand.
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11